


What hurts the most

by princesssroyalpinkpanties



Series: Tumblr prompts [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pre-Series, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 06:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10211837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princesssroyalpinkpanties/pseuds/princesssroyalpinkpanties
Summary: Prompt: dean confesses his feelings/love for sam when he thinks he's asleep but sam is actually awake...





	

When Sam told Dean he got accepted at Stanford, Dean just stared at him and nodded, then went off and didn’t come back long before dawn, smelling like alcohol and women’s perfume.

Sam couldn’t sleep the whole time Dean was gone, too overwhelmed by fear, sadness, regret and the immense feeling of _loss_. Dean was already gone from his life and he knew it, there was no turning back now. Sam felt like the biggest part of himself had died right there and he tried to put the pieces back together the best he could, knowing it would never be perfect again. Not like he ever was.

Dean knew about Sam’s feelings for him. Had known for a while now, but it didn’t changed anything, Dean couldn’t make any choice and Sam didn’t want him to, could never force himself on Dean like that. But Dean needed to know, otherwise Sam couldn’t make it. _Sam_ needed to _know._

He was past crying himself to sleep when he heard the sound of the door lock. Dean. He laid still, trying to pace his breathing so Dean wouldn’t notice he was awake so they wouldn’t start the inevitable fight in an inappropriate time. He closed his eyes and listened as Dean stumbled himself out of his clothes and boots, cursing between his breath. Then, Dean was quiet. Sam thought he’d passed out on John’s bed now that he wasn’t sleeping on it, but after a moment, Sam felt Dean lying next to him on the bed.

Sam kept his steady breathing, still pretending to be asleep until eventually Dean would pass out.

“You know, I get why you want to leave, Sammy. I get it. You deserve a better life that me and dad can’t give.” Dean paused for a second. “I’m sorry I can’t give what you want, Sammy. You deserve someone better.”

Sam tried so hard to hold back a sob his muscles were burning. “I love you, Sammy. I’ve loved you ever since I held you in my arms for the first time. And I… I want you. So bad it hurts. But nothing would hurt more than be with you and then watch you hate me once you realize how fucked up this is. I can’t corrupt you like that.” There was disgust in Dean’s voice and Sam never hated himself more.

Dean loved him back, but still didn’t want to be with him. A tear rolled down his face and Sam couldn’t breathe, so he tried to hold his breath, tried to end it.

He felt Dean’s touch on his face, felt his fingers wiping the tears off his cheek. He didn’t moved.

“Goodnight, baby brother.” Dean whispered, then fell asleep.

He had already lost him.


End file.
